"Joe-san, I don't think you will find a black light flashlight, even in Akihabara. Such a thing has probably not been invented." Matsui spoke no English, so the American teenagers were forced to make themselves understood with their Japanese.
"Joe-san needs to look at a girl's hiney, and only black light will show that girl's hiney." Ducky displayed his own acting skills by hamming up a sense of urgency, and his exaggerated gesticulations and highly audible vocalizations attracted the attention of other passengers of the cross-town train they were riding.
"Is this true, Joe-san? Will a black light actually allow you to look at girls's hineys? If it's true, by all means I will help you." Matsui laughed as he said this, but his curiosity was piqued.
"I want to look at a girl’s hiney using black light. Then I will see new things."
"New things?"
Joe turned to Ducky. "How do you say tattoo in Japanese?"
"Irezumi."
"She has tattoo on hiney."
Matsui's face turned pale. "No, Joe-san. You do not want to look at a girl with a tattoo on her hiney. She is a Yakuza's girlfriend. You will get yourself killed."
Joe looked at Ducky. "What did he say?"
"In Japan, only Yakuza and their women get tattoos. He's warning you not to get involved with tattooed ladies. That reminds me of a song: Lydia oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia. Lydia the tattooed lady..."
Ducky continued singing, but Joe turned back to Matsui. "She is not Yakuza lady. She is opera lady."
"No. In Japan, only Yakuza and their women get tattoos. Don't get involved with tattooed ladies."
"Step right up, step right this way, for ten cents, two nickels, one thin dime see Lydia, the tattooed lady." Ducky switched from one voice to another with practically every line. Many were ethnic - German, Yiddish, Negro - others seemed out of an old 1930's MGM movie. "...Lydia oh Lydia, that encyclopedia. Lydia the queen of tattoos..."
"No. She is opera lady. Her tattoo is secret. Nobody can see it. That's why I need black light flashlight."
"...She can give you a view of the world in tattoo if you stand up and tell 'er where. For a dime you can see Waikiki or 'Paree' or Washington crossing the Delaware..."
"I'm sorry, Joe-san, but if it is secret and nobody can see it then it is not a tattoo, it is just skin."
"...Mister, I have ten cents, can I take a look? Sorry little girl, adults onnnlyyyyyyyy..."
"No, people cannot see it in average light, but with a black light..."
"...Lydia oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia. Lydia the tattooed lady. When her muscles start relaxing, up the hill comes Andrew Jackson..."
"Joe-san, do you mean it is a tattoo that can only be seen in black light?"
"Yes."
"...For two bits she can do a mazurka in jazz, with a view of Niagara that no artist has, and on a clear day you can see Alcatraz. What do I get for a dime?! You can learn a lot from Lydia..."
"But how can it be a secret?"
"It is secret and even she doesn't know."
"...Come along and see Buff'lo Bill with his lasso. Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso. Here is Captain Spalding exploring the Amazon, and Godiva, but with her pajamas on. Whoooa!!!...
"Even she doesn't know? Didn't she feel the needles?"
"No needles. American government secret tattoo toilet."
"Oh."
"...Here's Grover Whalen unveilin' the Trilon, and over on the West Coast we have Treasure Island. Here's Najinsky a-doin' the rhumba. Here's her social security numba..."
"But Joe-san. What is tattooed on her hiney?"
Joe looked around. "Come." He pulled Mitsui across the aisle where a middle-aged man was sitting reading a magazine. Ducky followed, still singing. "This," Joe proclaimed, touching a bar code printed on the cover of the magazine. "This is tattooed on the opera lady's hiney."
"...Lydia oh Lydia, that encyclopedia, Lydia the champ of them all! She once swept an admiral clear off his feet, The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat,..."
"How do you know the American government secretly tattooed a bar code on the opera singer's hiney in ink that can only be seen under an ultraviolet light?"
"Because..." Joe paused as he gathered himself.
"...but what do I get for a dime?..." Ducky blurted out in a high-pitched Germanic accent.
"When I looked at her hiney I didn't see anything!"
"...So he went and married Lydia!" This was the final line of the song and Ducky belted it out with gusto. Everyone in the train carriage applauded.
"When I was a POW the Americans didn't tattoo me, but they did stick a needle in my hiney." It was the man with the magazine. "They said it was a vitamin injection."
"I was a POW in Siberia, and we got no vitamins. We were lucky just to get bread and water," said another man of the same generation sitting next to the man with the magazine. "Very dark bread, as I recall. Nothing like what you can get here. Mind you, when I was in New York I saw old American soldiers with numbers tattooed on their arms."
"No," the first man countered. "You saw Jews, not old soldiers. It was Germans who tattooed their arms. Americans would not tattoo arms with numbers. They are more subtle."
Matsui addressed the first man. "Do you think Americans would tattoo secret codes on Japanese women's hineys?"
"Ummm." The man considered the question.
"North Korean," Joe interjected. "North Korean, you say? Well, that changes everything. Yes, Americans would tattoo codes on North Korean women's hineys, yes, absolutely. But the North Korean government itself would also do such a thing."
"Do North Koreans use bar codes?" his traveling companion asked.
"You make a good point. No, North Koreans would not use bar codes." Then, speaking directly to Matsui, he said "I think one could say that if the foreigner's North Korean mistress has a bar code tattooed on her hiney it was probably the Americans who put it there. However..." he paused and glanced around at the many other passengers who had become an audience to the conversation, "if she has a picture of the Great Leader Comrade Kim Il-Sung tattooed on her hiney, it was likely not the work of the United States government." Everyone in a 20-foot radius collectively nodded their heads and said "naruhodo." (Naruhodo is a word Japanese people use when experiencing enlightenment.)
Just then the train pulled up to Akihabara Station. A group of women in their thirties gave Ducky a second round of applause as he exited the carriage, while the man with the magazine momentarily took hold of Joe's arm, looked him in the eye, and in his best English said "Goodo Lucku."